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R/£ More and more go walkabout while they're starkers Down Under
May 09, 2006 Edition 1
John Scott
For more than 60 000 years indigenous Australians went walkabout without any clothes. Now an increasing number of newer Australians are following suit - in the birthday sense, naturally.
They are always getting into the news by uncovering themselves down under.
Yesterday a 75-year-old Queenslander not only confessed to lying around naked on the beach, but most offended the policeman who arrested him by having his toenails painted different colours. Being starkers was one thing, mate, but that was just plain sissy.
There's even a nudist church in Queensland, near Brisbane. The minister, Robert Wright, says rather have people come to church bare than not at all.
Maybe if he concentrates on Chapter 3 in Genesis, the eyes of his congregation, like those of Adam and Eve, will be opened once they have tasted the fruit of the knowledge of good and evil, and realise not everyone looks good wearing nothing but a pious expression.
He also organised a naked music festival, protected by naked security guards. Now that's something that we should consider. It's impossible for a kaalgat striker to hide any weapons on his person.
Queensland is the only state in Australia that bans naked sunbathing on designated beaches. It's also the only state that refused to enter the federation unless there was a "White Australia" policy that denied the vote to Aborigines. Perhaps, as compensation, the nudies are trying to go native, or at least change the colour of their skin.
The rest of Australia is more broadminded, and nudists hang free.
One in Sydney got into the news the other day when trying to incinerate a spider by pouring petrol down its burrow and putting a match to it. Instead he burnt himself badly in sensitive places that are normally kept covered.
He thought it was a funnel-web spider, which likes to lurk under lavatory seats, and can give you a fatal bite in sensitive places even if you aren't a nudist.
A lot of older men (the toenail-painted Queenslander, for one) enjoy exposing their bodies.
A retired army type in his 70s, seeking a female companion in a British lonely hearts column, tried to lure applicants with the prospect of "naturist sunbathing in my secluded garden".
I can just see his military moustache twitching.
"Take it all off, m' dear. You're quite safe."
Like the Queensland authorities, we used to make a huge fuss of nude bathing at Sandy Bay, and police periodically raided the beach in the hope of catching people with their pants down.
It was all good fun. It gave the cops a thrill, and made a nice change from arresting fully-clothed workers who didn't have their dompas on them.
But now you never hear of Sandy Bay any more. Not having men in full uniform running across the sea sand and waving their pistols takes all the excitement out of emulating Adam and Eve in their pre-serpent stage.
Even Fish Hoek has its topless sunbathers. I always forget to check if their toenails are painted.
johnvscott@mweb.co.za
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