#SexColumn: Communication between the Sheets
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By Sharon Gordon
It always amazes me that couples can be sexually involved for years but never discuss their needs and desires. People have sex with each other but are never really intimate with one another. WE are often too afraid to ask for what we want for fear of being rejected. But if you can’t tell your significant other – what’s the point.
I wish that couples could develop a sexual vocabulary. Imagine being able to say without fear of reprisal or humiliation give directions while making love -a little higher, a little to the right, touch me softer or harder- just like having your back scratched – only nicer!
I often see couples that have been married for 10 years or longer with sexual problems which could have been sorted out with a simple discussion of likes and dislikes.
If he likes sex in the morning but you hate it, talk about it and resolve the issue. Come to a compromise that suits both of you.
It is better to sort out the problem rather than be resentful and upset. It just causes more sexual dissatisfaction which inevitably leads to less and less sex. Sometimes we simply have sex to get it over and done with. If you’re okay with that then all is well but if you’re not and if you are not getting pleasure out of the lovemaking, don’t “fake it”.
That is a trap that many women fall into. He then thinks he is a great lover meanwhile you are frustrated, bored and angry.
Men and women are different when it comes to orgasm with him taking a couple of minutes and women needing an average of 15-30 minutes to reach a climax.
Now you can see the need for foreplay. We have some wonderful foreplay products to ensure that you catch up and he has fun! Try our massage oils, books or VCR’s!
Approach the topic gently and tell him that you would prefer longer foreplay and that you need direct clitoral stimulation (oral, manual or vibration) to reach orgasm.
Remember the clitoris is not inside, it’s on top! Chances are that penetration doesn’t do it for you alone. Only 20% of women can orgasm from penetrative sex alone and many men think it’s about how hard or fast they push!
Use an orgasm enhancing gel like At LAST for Women or Intensifying Gels to dilate the blood vessels in the clitoral area to speed up orgasm.
Set up a time for sexual review when you are both calm and not naked! Discuss your feelings and desires and allow time for you both to have your say. If you are both busy with children flooding the house, make special times for sex. Now during lockdown when we never leave the house and children are home schooling, sex time is at a premium. Don’t ignore it.
When we are allowed to plan date nights and weekends away or plan to dress up for each other. Toys are another way to spice things up. They are called toys for a reason – they are made for play!
I think that many of us battle to communicate about our wants and needs because we aren’t even honest with ourselves. I was discussing this with a friend this week. It’s not because we don’t want to – it’s because we just don’t know. When we think we have a handle on it, something changes and what worked last week fails to work this week. I sometimes think that sex is a moving target.
If you don’t know where to start, start by being honest with yourself. I find the best place to talk about my wants and need is in the car – neither of us can look at each other and that seems to make the conversation more honest. Alternatively, over a meal when neither of you is emotional or as I said before naked. Often these discussions are part of foreplay and great sex is had when you get home. But it is not the primary point. You want to keep the lines of communication open and honest to improve your relationship and the sex you are having.
Keep it fun and exciting and remember that you deserve to have a great sex life.