Six minutes is what you'll need to dedicate to foreplay and sex play before going full throttle into having actual sex. Picture: Flickr.com
Six minutes is what you'll need to dedicate to foreplay and sex play before going full throttle into having actual sex. Picture: Flickr.com

#SexColumn: Fabulous foreplay and flops

By Time of article published Aug 13, 2021

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By Sharon Gordon

Johannesburg - So how is your week going? For me the weeks go faster and faster with deadlines looming and very little getting done. I’m trying to balance the needs of work, my family and my partner and feel like I’m not really succeeding at any. Keeping intimacy alive seems like such hard work.

We’re all told to experience mind blowing orgasms we need to have foreplay! I ask you with tears in my eyes – Who has the time? Is it really necessary? And what is it?

Let’s start with what foreplay is. It is not 3 tweaks to the nipple and then checking if she’s ready and it doesn’t just last three minutes.

The typical definition of foreplay is that it is a prelude to sex; it’s about physical arousal, lubrication and getting the body ready for penetrative sex.

This definition focuses of physical stimulation rather than igniting desire.

Shouldn’t foreplay be about igniting desire especially in long term relationships? Sex isn’t just about showing up. Sensuality and intimacy are a major part of enjoying sex and avoiding the rut we can find ourselves in.

I think that Foreplay should be the mental play that happens outside the bedroom and it shouldn’t always lead to sex. If it does even this play becomes predicable and static. Foreplay should be infusing your relationship with lust and a sense of eros, the very essence of the erotic.

So if foreplay is not about kissing, licking, stripping and sucking what is it?

It’s finding ways to play with your partner’s sexual mind igniting lust. It’s a word, a gesture, an action that means something sexy. It’s about leaving seductive breadcrumbs for your lover to follow.

I have interesting friends and they came up with some interesting ideas for foreplay. They have avatar profiles on social media. It is in this space that they play out fantasies and because it is so accessible they can play all day. Another is that he ties a red string around her ankle in the morning before she goes to work, as a reminder of what is ‘coming!’

Massage is always another suggestion and I have to say that if someone else suggests this I am going to scream. Let’s try to be more original. How about climbing on the roof and watching the sunset or washing each other’s hair. Technology has added an extra dimension to foreplay.

Sexting can be HOT! Sending me a picture of your erect penis – not so much. My absolute worst is those message that go ‘Hi’, which I ignore. It’s repeated 7 times and then a dick pic! Really? I’m so excited I want to meet you immediately! In the history of social media does this work?

The problem with foreplay is what worked yesterday may very well not work today. You have to be able to read the room. You can’t be ugly to me at breakfast and expect me to be intimate later during the day. Foreplay is often an all-day event.

It has been said that foreplay starts straight after the last orgasm. The problem with foreplay is that it can often feel contrived and if your relationship is already bordering on irritating, trying to play may make it feel worse. Can you remember what made your relationship hot and passionate in the early days? Could you discuss it and try to introduce some small changes to make your bedroom hot again?

Do you have a favourite that gets you all hot and ready? Please share because to be honest, I’m all out of new ideas. You can email me on [email protected]

Don’t forget to watch our video on the subject.

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